welcome to kmcallah's webzone

October 26th, 2021

So yesterday was my 25th birthday. I felt pretty good most of the day, even though during the days leading up to it I felt unsure about it. Thinking about being a quarter of a century old really brings me down, since I haven't really accomplished anything in my life.

I wanted to make a post yesterday, but I wanted to wait until after my dad came over and after he left I was much too tired to even think about posting. He did give me a weighted blanket, so I'm hoping I can get more restful sleep with it. My dad also gave me a $50 Steam credit, so I'm looking forward to buying some games I've been wanting for a while. The one I'm really looking forward to trying out is World of Horror. I watched Vinny Vinesauce stream it and I really liked its style and I think I'm going to like it when I play it myself.

I'm thinking about adding a few shrines to this webzone. I've been browsing other folks' websites and found that I really liked the idea of a shrine, and I have a few pieces of media that kind of shaped my life that I'd love to write about. I also like the idea of theming the entire webpage to present the game/movie/whatever in a way that is different than the rest of the website. I think if I were to make one or two, they'd be for Minecraft and Team Fortress 2.

Maybe I could also add some memorials to my webzone? I have lost a couple of pets over the years, and of course loved ones as well. I do kind of feel like a memorial page might bring down the mood of my webzone though, so maybe I'll hold off or only do memorials for my lost pets.

I'm just not too sure what to do with this website aside from continuing to write blog posts. They do help me gather my thoughts, and while I could use a typical journal for this, I kind of like the idea of writing in a place for anyone to see. I'm not that interesting of a person, so I need some excitement in my life.

I have a job interview on Thursday. I was intending on just studying web development until I was able to get a job in that field, but to be honest I'm a bit worried about money and I think this will help me feel more secure. I'll also feel like less of a drain if I'm working, which is good for my self esteem. My only concern is that it is at a place that does customer service for other companies, and I'm not very comfortable dealing with customers.

Thankfully it'll just be over the phone and on social media and support chatrooms, but I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to talking with people over the phone. I think as long as I don't have to make any outbound calls, I'll be fine. I'm also a bit nervous about the interview itself, as even though I've done what feels like a million interviews I'm still not very good at them. I lack confidence in myself, and even though I know I can do a job I think I sometimes fail to show that to the employer.

Dealing with customers makes me really anxious, and it was my least favorite part of any of the retail or food service jobs I've had in the past. The last job I worked, which I was only there for a month, didn't have anything to do with customer service, and I thought I would really like it because of that. But I ended up not performing well enough to their needs, so I ended up quitting because it was really stressing me out.

I got the email asking me to schedule an interview yesterday. They said that they've fast-tracked my application because they've landed a new client, so I'm a bit interested in what I'll be doing if I get the job. I hope it's not too many phone calls, but I'm kind of kidding myself hoping for that.

I haven't worked much on art recently. DracoStryx is having a small event for halloween/autumn and I've been keeping up with it, but there are still a few things I need to do. The PaperDemon Art RPG is having their own event, and it's a lot slower paced than the DracoStryx one but I'd like to get it out of the way.

I'm concerned that if I get this new job, I won't have much time or energy to draw anything. When I was working my last job, it was full time so I was only able to draw on the weekends. It worked out, as DracoStryx had a very intensive event and I was able to keep up the entire way through, but it was difficult and I didn't get to spend as much time on some of my artworks as I would've liked to. I ended up half-assing a few of my event entries, and had to edit them after they were submitted.

CW// suicide mention

I wish I didn't have to work. It does keep me busy, and keeps me from sleeping or eating all day, but it also stresses me out a ton. I had to quit my last job because not only was it stressing me out, but it was causing me to suffer from suicidal ideation again. During a pandemic is not the time I want to have to be admitted to a hospital, not to mention I just don't want to go at all since mental hospitals really suck. I can't even remember how many times I've been in and out of that place. But I guess I'd go if the alternative was killing myself.

I don't really want to think about that kind of stuff, though. It really brings me down. I get stuck in my head a lot, just thinking about all the bad things that have happened to me and all the bad things that could happen in the future. I wish I wasn't so nervous, but that's just how it be.

I wish I could go to school. I know it's expensive and probably isn't really worth it unless if I get a really well paying job, but I kind of just want the experience and to meet new people. If I were to go to school, I'd like to study zoology, probably with a focus in entomology. I don't know what kind of job I could get with a degree in entomology, but hopefully a cool one that I would really enjoy. I'm tired of working retail and foodservice jobs... they really suck. Sorry if you like your retail or foodservice job, but they're really not for me. Apparently they aren't for many people, since the USA is facing a "labor shortage" (AKA a shitty job surplus).

Anyway, I'm going to go do something else now. I figured I'd take a small amount of time out of my day to get something written. I hope you enjoy the rest of your week!